Heart of Gratitude

By the time Thanksgiving approaches each year, it becomes pretty common for people to begin reflecting about the year and consider all the many ways they have been blessed. For many this season tends to continue through the end of the year. It’s a time when we give an extra dose of gratitude to God – for our families, our homes, our employment, our health and our freedom. It is a season to count our blessings and hold those we love close to our hearts.

There is a lot to be said about having a heart full of gratitude. It’s important to take time to thank God for all the good in our life – but what constitutes as good? I’ve been reminded this year numerous times just how much power lies in our perspective and how we view our circumstances.

What if giving thanks means more than just counting our blessings?

What if being thankful means surrendering our struggles, too?

As much as I want to reflect upon this past year, and be thankful for all the good – if I’m honest, it has been one of the hardest years of my life. Two thousand and sixteen has come with a lot of trials, a lot of tears, a lot of asking why, and a lot of physical pain for me, but as I look back on the year, some of my greatest joys have been rooted from moments of deep suffering.

I know that I’m not alone in my struggles. Men and women all around the world have struggled this past year – illness, loneliness, addictions, divorce, depression, injustice and death – leaving many with broken hearts, confused minds and hurting bodies.

Life can be so hard. And at times it can feel as though God is far away. I’ve been challenged this year in the midst of some trying situations to redefine how I view thankfulness. I’ve been challenged to be more than just thankful. I’ve been challenged with something even more difficult … to TRUST.

I believe that in times of suffering, a heart full of gratitude means more than just telling God that we are thankful – but rather it means being able to believe that God is who He says He is. Believing that He is love, He never changes, He never fails, His timing is perfect, He keeps His promises, and He is working all things out for what is good according to His pleasing and perfect will.

As this year is coming to a close, I’m reminded of God’s everlasting faithfulness in my life. Never once have my situations and experiences this year been a surprise to God ... He knew way in advance! Through all the challenges this year, God has never once left my side. His hand has been at work in mighty ways – opening doors that seemed impossible, surrounding me with gifted and knowledgeable medical professional to help with my care and treatment, and showing me just how much I am loved and cared for by Him. 

As the new year approaches, I certainly hope that it will look much different than 2016 did for me – no ambulance rides, no hospital stays, no oxygen tanks, or wheelchairs, etc. …. that would all be great! BUT most importantly my prayer for 2017 is that I would be challenged to fully TRUST God more, BELIEVE Him better and KNOW Him deeper.

Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.” – 1 Thessalonians 5:18

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Whatever it may be that is weighing heavy on your heart and burdening your mind, be reminded that even though you may not understand, and your situations may simply not make sense to you right now … Know (and Believe) that there is a loving God that does understand and is not surprised. He is walking by your side every step of the way. He has never left you, and will never leave you. 

Living Triumphantly in Sickness

I believe in a God who SAVES. Who brings HOPE.  Who HEALS. Who REDEEMS.

I believe in a God who, through Himself, ultimately gives us VICTORY and TRIUMPH in the midst of the battles that come our way.

However, that doesn't mean that it won't be a fight. The enemy has a much different agenda for us in the battle ... he wants us to curl up and give in to defeat. Acknowledge our weakness. Become a victim of the lies that fill our minds. The enemy wants us to succumb to the negative thoughts of never.

Never regaining my life back.

Never finding relief from constant pain.

Never good enough.

Never being able to run again.

Never ... (Get my drift?)

Summer 2016 has been a FIGHT. The thoughts of "never" have found their way into the swarms of thoughts racing through my mind more times than I'd like to admit. Illness has taken its toll on my quality of life and the whispers of defeat from the enemy have been overwhelming by times.

I've DOUBTED.

I've asked "WHY?"

I've had moments of giving into DEFEAT.

The whispers of defeat and overwhelming-ness of the raging battle have at times left me on my knees with tear-filled eyes. HOWEVER, it has been in these moments of defeat written all over my heart, when I've had to surrender, admit my desperate need for God and look to Him to be my defense.

"I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? 

My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth."

-Psalm 121:1-2

It has been in these moments that I've had to embrace this season of life, knowing that God has not once been surprised by it, and focus on the good moments.

It is in these moments that God asks me to have greater faith and teaches me to trust Him more. He has asked me to believe in His promises and not give up hope.

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose."

-Romans 8:28

It has been in these moments that I've had to thwart lies from the enemy, fill my mind with the Truths in God's Word and give myself grace.

It has been in these moments that I've had to believe that God is bigger than any of my diagnoses'.

It has been in these moments that God has held me in His arms, filled me with His presence, and allowed me to experience His overwhelming love that He lavishes upon me.

"So that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith - that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know  the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that  you may be filled with the fullness of God."

-Ephesians 3:17-19

The battle continues, but I refuse to stay stuck in defeat. I don't know what lies ahead of me, but I know who holds my future and one thing I'm sure of is that I can place my full TRUST in GOD and He will never leave me to fight alone.

"It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; 

He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed."

-Deuteronomy 31:8

We're told to "count it all joy, when we face trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness ..." (James 1:2-4), so instead of allowing my discouraging physical ailments and circumstances lead me down a road of defeat, I'm consciously choosing to live triumphantly with God by my side. 

Extravagant Love

To be quite vulnerable … the past six weeks have been exceptionally difficult, not just physically but also emotionally. Since my last blog I’ve had to powerlessly watch my body decline even more and lose the ability to do things that I once could do with ease. Days of actively doing everything my doctors have ordered and still seeing no signs of improvements have left me frustrated and it’s been hard not to become discouraged. Navigating the healthcare system through unexpected situations to obtain necessary approvals, authorizations and doctor referrals to receive treatment and care has been nothing but stressful and overwhelming.

For a while I tried hard day after day to be strong, push through and remain HOPEFUL that things truly would turn a corner and get better. However this was draining and I reached a breaking point. I never felt so HELPLESS. Emotions came full force. My heart was torn between wanting to give up, yet knowing I needed (and deep, deep down wanted) to keep fighting because God still has a plan and purpose for my life.

Will I keep trusting Him, and believing His promises?

How could a God of love allow such pain in life?

If this is how God chooses to love me, do I really want to keep trusting Him?

I will never fully understand God’s unconditional love for me, but even in the midst of the difficulties, I choose to keep trusting Him. In doing so, He has revealed Himself to me in magnificent ways. Even in the midst of pain. Even when I have my doubts and wonder why.

You see … Jesus himself understood pain. Not only did He show compassion in the midst of every human affliction that He encountered, but He himself chose to endure incredible suffering for our sake by dying on the cross.  It is through Jesus and His actions, that God’s love for us is revealed (John 17:26; 1 John 4-9-10).

We live in a broken world and the pain that is experienced is a result of sin. While God has allowed suffering in this world, we can be reminded of 1 John 4:8 that says, “Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.” Love is a fundamental nature of who God is. As a child of God, I am loved with an everlasting love (Jeremiah 31:3). God’s love for me is extravagant and He has extended His grace toward me in giving me way more than I could ever deserve.

God has revealed His love for me in tangible ways these past few weeks, and for that I am incredibly grateful. I have been overwhelmed by emotions at times as I reflect on how He has brought people into my life to help remind me and provide glimpses of His unstoppable love for me. God has wrapped His loving arms around me, and been holding me close.

God’s love is extravagant. While life has been trying for me much of this year, the ways that Father has shown up and been working, has left me in awe, time and time again. One of those ways, is how in the midst of roadblocks and unforeseen circumstances, God continued to opened doors and after weeks of painful waiting, I received approval to start weekly IVIG treatments this past week! This has been a huge answer to prayer.

Today, as I’m in the middle of my first IVIG treatment, could I ask you to pray with me that these infusion treatments would not cause adverse effects, but instead help to provide improvements to my physical body so that I can slowly regain my life back?

I trust that even as God as helped to quiet my hurting heart by remaining near and allowing me to tangibly experience His love and presence in my life, that He would do the same for you too.

Holding Onto Hope

HOPE. More than just a word; More than just a feeling that what is wanted can be had, or that things will turn out for the best. HOPE is a state of being … a firm belief that even if you don’t know how, even if you don’t know when, God will come through and better days are ahead. This is what I’ve been holding onto these last several weeks in the midst of what has been filled with a whirlwind of emotions and lots of change.

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Just over two weeks ago, I endured the longest, most overwhelming (but informative) doctor appointment I have ever experienced in my life at UC Health in Denver. You may recall in my last blog, I was asking for prayers, for God to specifically open the door to get an earlier appointment. Well, short of a miracle, He opened the door not only to get a sooner appointment, but also with a different specialist than originally planned – but this was exactly what was needed (little did I know it at the time).

Within minutes of the specialists entering the room, I was told I had been misdiagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. WAIT, WHAT? You mean to tell me that the past seven months of treating MS were wasted and I had been treating the wrong disease? If that was the case, then what was going on within my body? What is the cause of all these abnormal symptoms that are only continuing to get worse? The questions, doubts and thoughts began racing through my mind immediately.

Fast forward a bit, and after multiple hours of devoted time with the specialist, additional testing completed and more lab work, I walked away from my appointment with three new diagnoses: Dysautonomia: a dysfunction of the autonomic nervous system, which controls the “automatic” functions of the body that we do not consciously think about such as HR, blood pressure, digestion, etc – all of which I’ve had severe issues with. Antiphospholipid Syndrome: an autoimmune blood clotting disorder, also known as “sticky blood” and can cause clotting of the arteries, veins, neurological manifestations (like headaches, balance issues, MS like symptoms and neuropathy). Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS): Issue causing lightheadedness, chest pains, fainting, tachycardia, shortness of breath, GI issues, and exercise intolerance.

So, now what?

I started on some new medications the last couple weeks, but unfortunately reacted negatively which caused adverse effects, so while we’ve been trying to treat one thing, additional issues arose, and caused additional problems. I unfortunately have been walking what seems like a backwards path, as one step forwards leads to three steps backwards with how much my symptoms have been increasing over the past couple weeks. We just got test results back from a skin biopsy, so as of this past week, the doctor in Denver has started the process with insurance to get approval to begin IVIG treatments. This seems to be my only HOPE at this point to regain my life back, assuming these treatments work for me. However, gaining insurance approval for this very expensive treatment option is a lengthy process and my doctor may have to fight hard on my behalf. Will you join me in praying for another miracle and quick insurance approval?

As if I don’t already have enough to process, I’ve also made the decision recently to permanently move out of my residence and in with a loving Colorado family so that I can be looked after and cared for in the midst of my declining health to walk this journey with me. While I’ve already been  living with this family the past two months, it’s seems a little more real now that all my belongings are in my surroundings as well, and I officially turned in my condo key just the other day.  This has been a huge decision for me because if you know me well enough you know how independent of a person I am, but I’ve had to admit, that I simply can’t do it on my own.

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You see, many times in this world or in the midst of our circumstances we may be told that “HOPE is dead” and “God is Gone” for “There’s nothing we can really do.” On those days … on the hardest of days in the midst of our circumstances, we have to remember to stay committed to HOPE no matter what happens.

Even when we can't see it.
Even when we can't feel it.

Committing to HOPE doesn’t mean believing that one day we’ll get what we want. Committing to true HOPE is believing in the unchanging truths. The truths that say: GOD remains FAITHFUL.  GOD has a PLAN. GOD holds my FUTURE. This JOURNEY is not an ACCIDENT. I’m LOVED by GOD.

In the midst of the continuing emotions and the whirlwind of a journey that it's been for me, I'm choosing to hold onto the HOPE that I have in Christ alone.

"Let us hold tightly without  wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise." -Hebrews 10:23

"Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying."
-Romans 12:12

In the Midst of Waiting ...

The Lord Our God

Promise maker, promise keeper

You finish what You begin

Our provision through the desert

You see it through ‘til the end

You see it through ‘til the end

The Lord our God is ever faithful

Never changing through the ages

From this darkness

You will lead us

And forever we will say

You’re the Lord our God

In the silence, in the waiting

Still we can know You are good

All Your plans are for Your glory

Yes, we can know You are good

Yes, we can know You are good

We won’t move without You

We won’t move without You

You’re the light of all

And all that we need

DREAMS appear shattered. HOPE is being held on by only a thread and some days appears missing completely. PLANS thwarted. QUESTIONS unanswered (and lots of them). ROADBLOCKS in place. HEARTACHE. TEARS. The past month has been anything but glamorous for me, as I've continued walking through a painful health journey in life that God hand-picked just for me. Why? I don't know and honestly may never truly understand it all. However, I do know that through it all - He is NEVER changing and still remains faithful.

In the midst of the constant pain that I'm faced with daily and having my activities decided by my health day-to-day, my Heavenly Father ultimately decides my future. I can rest assured that these plans, though far from anything I would have picked for myself, are somehow meant for His glory. Additionally, just as the lyrics in the above song reads, even in the midst of the waiting, that still I can know my God is good.

"I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in His word I hope." -Psalm 130:5

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The complexity of my current health situation continues to increase and unfortunately there is no simple explanation, or solution. Antibodies are attacking multiple systems in my body - causing neurological, cardiovascular and gastrointestinal issues. We are trying to "band-aid" symptoms without having much success in treating anything right now. I've been referred to the University of Health in Denver, CO, but we are currently trying to get an earlier appointment, as my current appointment is a couple months out.

Would you joing me in praying for Father to make a way to get an appointment within  the month of June at the latest (earlier the better!), so that we can get the answers I so hope for in hopes of also getting the treatment  needed to start bringing my body back to health, instead of continually seeing it slowly decline?

Would you also join me in praying for protection of my heart and the roller coaster of emotions that I've been riding? It's been a tough road, and I know the journey seems far from over yet, as the end is not yet in sight. I know that Father is carrying me through, but I also need the body of people (like you) around me to continually be supporting and encouraging me along the way as well.

It Is Well With My Soul

It Is Well

Grander earth has quaked before

Moved by the sound of His voice

Seas that are shaken and stirred

Can be calmed and broken for my regard

Through it all, through it all

My eyes are on You

Through it all, through it all

It is well

Through it all, through it all

My eyes are on You

It is well with me

Far be it from me to not believe

Even when my eyes can’t see

And this mountain that’s in front of me

Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

So let go my soul and trust in Him

The waves and wind still know His name

It is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

It is 4:00 a.m. – I should be sleeping, but the past five hours of trying to sleep have been filled with so many overwhelming emotions instead and the tears have just kept coming. Yet in the midst of the very REAL struggle that this past week and a half has brought with the latest setbacks in regards to my physical health, these lyrics from the song It Is Well continue to play through my mind on repeat in the background. It is the truth found in these lyrics that have been the only thing I’ve been able to cling to this past week in the midst of a week filled with physical ailments, pain, doctor appointments, questions, fear, doubts, unknowns, anxiety and so many overwhelming thoughts and experiences that no 27 year-old should have to walk through. This week hasn’t brought the definitive answers I was hoping for just yet, but I’m thankful for the medical team of specialists that are now working with me to wrap their minds around everything going on inside my body. However, I’m even more thankful, that through it all, my eyes remain on Christ. He is my ultimate Healer. My Provider. My Creator. He knows every intricate detail about what is misfiring and not functioning properly from within my body and I’m choosing to trust and believe that He does have a purpose in all of this – even in the midst of how difficult this journey is on a daily basis.

My current situation is SO REAL, but yet my heart breaks for so many others at the same time knowing that too, so many others are going through very difficult situations as well. Maybe you find yourself in a difficult season right now - health, relationship, financial … the list continues; may I share a few words with you that God’s place on my heart?

You see … Life is NOT without pain. However, the beauty found within the pain is NOT without a purpose even when we ourselves are unable to make sense of life’s circumstances or situations. Even if we cannot see or understand what in the world our God is doing in this world or in our own lives, it is then, that we need to sit back and remind ourselves (just as the song lyrics say) … to let go and trust in Him that even the winds and the waves know His name. God sees our brokenness. God sees our hearts. God see our hurts. God understands.

I have no idea what kind of season you are walking through right now. It could be one filled with joy! It could be filled with pain. It could be full of unknowns. Maybe it’s filled with laughter or full of tears. I don’t know, but I do know that the God of the Universe knows and one thing is for certain … Your life is still full of purpose.

Will you daily choose to keep your eyes on Christ through it all and trust Him? I’m not saying it’s going to be easy (as I can attest to the fact that it’s not!), but I can say it will be worth it!

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"I look up to the mountains—does my help come from there? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth! He will not let you stumble; the one who watches over you will not slumber. Indeed, he who watches over Israel never slumbers or sleeps. The Lord himself watches over you! The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade. The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon at night. The Lord keeps you from all harm and watches over your life. The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go, both now and forever.” –Psalm 121

Joy in Suffering

Two weeks ago it was pretty easy for me to choose joy! I was a living miracle of the incredible work of God. (In case you missed it, you can read about the miracle that God performed in my life here.)

As I lay on the couch at a friend’s house yesterday afternoon (where I’ve spent most of the past week), could I still find the same joy that I had two weeks ago? Can I still praise God for the trials and the pain that this week has brought? You see, I didn’t see it coming, nor did I expect it … we typically don’t - SETBACKS. I had no desire to end up back in the emergency room twice this past week, or to be dealing with the most severe chest pains that I’ve ever had in my life for days on end. What about breathing? One doesn’t think about it, until you can’t do so normally, then WHOA … it sure catches you off guard. While I’ll spare all the details here on my blog for now, I would really appreciate and covet your prayers as there are crucial follow-up appointments needing to happen this coming week with specialists in hopes of getting some much needed answers.

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If I’m honest, it’s been a hard week not to find myself feeling discouraged. However, yesterday afternoon as I was resting and thinking … I still have so much to be thankful for. So, can I still choose joy in the midst of setbacks? YES. I. CAN. It may be a daily choice … and sometimes even a moment by moment choice, but it is possible!

Joy is not the same thing as happiness. You see, happiness is something that comes and goes simply based on our good circumstances in life. It’s not something we can cling to during the trials of life – whether that would be through health challenges (like I find myself dealing with), the loss of a loved one, or relationship issues that cause great emotional and mental struggles. JOY on the other hand is different. Joy is something that you can find and even cling to even in the midst of trials … why? True joy is not based on good circumstances in life, but rather it comes from God. God’s joy is always present, and He is ready to give it, but are you ready to accept it?

As believers, this joy that we have in God will never be taken away from us. There may be days when the trials seem way to overwhelming, and the joy seems missing, but let me remind you (just as I remind myself), of the promise God has for us in John 15:11 which says, “I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow.” We are promised the joy that God has for us on a daily basis, but are you going to make the daily choice and accept it … even on the days when the sufferings in life seem way too overwhelming?

You see, for me personally, even in the midst of this week’s latest trials there is still much joy to be found, because my God has not left my side! He is still walking this journey right beside me every step of the way. This week was not a surprise to Him, but all part of His perfect plan for my life. WHY? I don’t know, but what I do know is that my God is bigger than any of my trials that I will face here on this earth. This latest trial has yet again been a test to my faith, but also continues to be an opportunity for me to grow in my endurance, and build up my faith, confident that in the end I will come out stronger yet again – defeating the enemy and seeing all the glory go to God our Father!

Today, no matter what kind of trial you may be facing, maybe it’s time that instead of wallowing or focusing on your suffering, you need to stop and make a choice to accept the free gift of joy that God so graciously offers. Are you going to take the step forward, and accept today?

“Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.” –James 1:2-4

God is still in the Business of Performing Miracles!

Fear. Doubt. Unknowns. Questions (and lots of them). Lack of Desire. Feeling Hopeless … If I’m honest, this is what much of the past three months have been filled with, in the midst of all the physical health challenges that both I and several close family members have been journeying through. It’s been hard, and the enemy has been trying his best to attack from every angle – physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.

However, one thing I do know is true … GOD HAS NEVER ONCE LEFT MY SIDE TO WALK THIS DIFFICULT JOURNEY ALONE. 

You see, sometimes, Jesus will calm the storms in your life. Sometimes, He will act like an anchor that you can cling to. Other times, Jesus will offer Himself as a shelter so that you can weather the storm in His protection and under His wings. And, there are still other times, when His mighty power will show up in absolutely incredible ways, and leave one in awe of who He is, because let me tell you: God is still in the business of performing miracles today (and I’m a living testimony of that … read on for an explanation)!

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The Backstory:

About a month ago, after having some unnerving symptoms arise again, my hematologist ordered a CT scan (earlier than expected), in fear of having a new pulmonary embolism (ie: blood clot) in my lungs. Thankfully, while I was relieved to get the results that there was not a new PE, the scan did show that the bi-lateral clots from January that left me in the hospital back in January for several days were still very present, and had only decreased slightly in size. At this point I was told that it very well could take up to six months for these blood clots to dissolve completely. While I tried to accept this news as best as I could … deep down it hurt. I was ready to be done with the oxygen completely. I wanted to go for a run again. I just wanted to just feel “good” for a change - was that too much to ask for?

A couple weeks went by, and it was much of the same … I was trudging through life, living moment by moment. But then something noticeably different happened. The week before Easter, I found myself using less oxygen, and the week after that (even though I ended up sick most of the week), I used even noticeably less oxygen, and so it continued to the point where the past week or so, I confidently didn’t need oxygen at all! I could honestly say throughout much of last week, I had felt better than I had felt since January – what a great feeling! 

The Miracle:
Earlier this week, on Monday (after about another month had gone by), I went back to my doctor for another follow-up, and through our discussion, I quickly asked the question, “Am I allowed to travel yet … via an airplane, specifically?” I was pretty quick to get the look of “You’re kidding, right?” However, I wasn’t kidding, and after some more conversations about why I was asking about travel, my doctor ended up ordering another CT scan, and much to my surprise, I was actually able to get it done right away. After a little over 30 hours of waiting, I received the much anticipated call from my doctor with the results.

I was told that not only was I allowed to travel (as long as I’m on blood thinners), but I was also completely discharged from oxygen usage, because much to her amazement and credit given to God (as she too is a believer), but the blood clots that were very apparent a month ago, were NO LONGER SHOWING on the CT scan! Based off of everything I had been told, and by human nature, there is no way, that the clots should have been gone within only a months’ time. Folks … let me tell you, that is only a MIRACLE OF GOD!

“He does great things too marvelous to understand. He performs countless miracles.” –Job 5:9

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No matter what storms of life you are currently in the midst of, know that you are not alone. Maybe it’s time to anticipate the supernatural intervention of God and expect a miracle too. What seems impossible to you can be made possible with God!

Can I Still Travel to Thailand?

Two weeks ago today, as I laid in the hospital room with the unexpected medical emergency (read more here if you missed it), came the thoughts and questions of, "Would I be able to travel to Thailand like planned in just two weeks to spend a week with my sister?" So naturally of course, with every nurse and doctor that came into my room that Thursday, the first question that I asked was:

"What are my probabilities of being able to travel internationally in two weeks?"

Each time I asked the question, I received the same gut-stabbing response of:

"No, with your diagnosis and condition there are just way to many risks involved and you will most likely still need oxygen for a while after we send you home from the hospital. I'm sorry."

Each time I received this answer, I immediately broke down in tears. This trip had been planned for weeks and getting the opportunity to just live life with my sister for a week while she was on a mini-vacation from serving where God has called her to, was a HUGE DEAL. My sister and I share something special - YES, we are biological sisters and YES, we are sisters in Christ, but we also share a very special friendship that is unexplainable.

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How is Gods timing perfect in this situation? What is Gods purpose in all of this? How can God use this for His good? How do I move forward in the midst of the huge amount of disappointment I feel?

Disappointments are inevitable and to say they are painful is an understatement – no matter what their magnitude.  However, I was reminded yesterday morning of some of the disappointments that Jesus faced during His lifetime here on earth. Imagine for a moment the disappointment Jesus faced when people didn't pay attention to the Good News of the Gospel? What about the times when His twelve disciples were filled with doubt and didn't believe? How would Jesus have responded to His own disappointments in life?

Perhaps Jesus' greatest disappointment was when God didn't save Him from the cross. Our response to disappointment is important and I pray that it would become less about what we desire and more about what God desires for us. Just as Jesus prayed when He asked God to spare Him the suffering that He already knew He would face on the cross, "yet not my will, but yours be done" (Luke 22:42). Jesus ultimately overcame the greatest disappointment for us all.

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Life's circumstances haven't come as a surprise to God. So, how can I blame Him. I CAN'T. You see ... it's NOT God that has disappointed me, it's the circumstances of life that have truly disappointed me: Not getting to spend a week with my sister; not getting to visit a Compassion center; not getting to travel internationally. I may never understand the why's in all of this, but I'm daily trying to TRUST and surrender my disappointment over to God who has been and will continue to carry me in the palm of His hands.

Even this evening, as sad as I am that I'm not in an airport right now getting ready to embark on my 30+ hour journey to Thailand … I've been reminded again just how thankful I am for LIFE. I'm thankful that God saw fit to spare my life and that I was able to get the medical help I needed at 6000 feet in elevation in a country that speaks my native language, instead of it happening at 35,000 feet or being in a foreign country where the native language is Thai.

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them." –Romans 8:28

Proclaiming my Identity

The enemy knows me all too well and he seems to be attacking me from every angle lately. Last night was no exception, except this latest battle came roaring in, in a way I didn't expect. You see ... even in the midst of all the latest physical struggles, (You can read my previous blog which explains more in case you missed it.) I've wanted to have some kind of normalcy in life – so it seemed like returning to work from home on an part-time basis for several weeks was the best option. I've been super blessed with the flexibility to be able to do my job from home and co-workers who have filled in for me as needed. However, once I started responding to emails again after being completely offline for several days, I've had a hard time 'checking out' again, limiting it to only part-time and providing the complete physical and mental rest that my body truly still needs to heal and recover.

So let me back up to last night … because of my inability to 'check out,' of work, even after the snowy weather that closed the offices early for the day, I logged in last evening only to see an email that left me feeling like a brick had just smacked me in the face with the amount of emotions that followed. You see, I realized I had dropped the ball on a project and failed to do my part in order to meet a deadline for TODAY. My mind began racing and the negative thoughts from the enemy quickly flooded my mind. I felt like a COMPLETE FAILURE. I felt like I had instantly let people down and my level of worth and value immediately dropped. This was not a typical representation of my dedication ... now what would people think? I had no one to blame but myself ... sure I had been in the hospital a week prior; sure I'm still recovering; sure there's been a lot of stress pressed upon me lately, but really ... how could I have messed up this badly. I was frustrated and angry with nobody but myself.

While I ended up working last night for several hours to make some headway on the project, the emotional struggle and lies continued well into the night. The enemy had a tight grip on me and I struggled seeing past them. However that's not the point …

After a few short hours of sleep I woke up way to early this morning – but I believe this was because GOD WANTED TO GET MY ATTENTION. He wanted to fill me His love and fill me with His TRUTHS. He wanted to remind me that my IDENTITY is not found in my job, nor is it found in my performance. He wanted to remind me that there is GRACE for those that make mistakes – such as I. He wanted to remind me that His love for me does not change based off of my performance, and that the accidental mistake I made is not the end of the world … the repercussions aren't going to harm anything or anyone.

Additionally, God lead me to Lamentations 3:22-23 which reads, "The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning." Praise the Lord for His new mercies each and every new day! Has today been easy? … NO, the enemy is still trying hard to tear me down; however, I'm refusing to let him win. God is on my side, His presence is near, and I know that He will NEVER let me go or give up on me. Today I'm proclaiming that my IDENTITY is not found in my job, but rather it is ONLY found in JESUS CHRIST.

2 Corinthians 1:22 "He has identified us as his own by placing the Holy Spirit in our hearts as the first installment that guarantees everything He has promised us."

Why Me, God?

Why me, God? Can I get a break from all the medical struggles? Why now, God? Your Word says your timing is perfect, but I'm having a really hard time believing. God, are you listening anymore? How can good come from this storm? What is your purpose in all of this? Really God … just, why?

These have been just a few of my questions and doubts over the past week and a half in the midst of the storms of life that have caused me to be shaken to my core. No one prepares for the unexpected medical emergencies to take place like I experienced. Never did I think when I went to the doctor last Thursday, that it would result in hearing "we need to send you to the ER immediately" from my doctor, or the several day hospital visit that followed. Never did I expect to hear, "You have a bi-lateral pulmonary embolism (ie: multiple blood clots in your lungs)." Nor has it been very comforting in the days that followed just to hear how "life-threatening" my condition has been and it certainly hasn't been easy to except the fact that I'm only twenty-seven and currently needing oxygen to breath and maintain adequate O2 levels.

The physical struggles have been HARD. SCARY. and REAL. The road to recovery is ongoing, but amidst the physical, came a very difficult emotional journey too with lots of doubts and questions. However, as I look back over the past week and a half two things specifically come to mind: I am thankful for LIFE and a God who is still in the business of ANSWERING PRAYERS!

Friends, let me tell you this ...

God is still on His throne and working in MIGHTY ways. He is STRONGER. He is GREATER. He is my PROTECTOR. He is the GIVER of LIFE. He is NOT DEFEATED. He is my HEALER.

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I've had my share of asking God the 'Why Me' questions this week but as I look back and recall the times that I finally let go and relinquished full control over to Him – it's wasn't just a burden lifted, but was also incredible to look back and see how God has tangibly been answering prayers, providing for me and meeting my needs one at a time.

It took several days, but even in the midst of the why's, I realized I needed to change my perspective. I wasn't God’s victim, I was a victor. This latest medical challenge wasn't a punishment from God, and was in no way an indicator that God's love for me had changed or that He has abandoned me. God has never promised that we wouldn't have sufferings in this world, in fact He tells us just the opposite that "…Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows..." (John 16:33). However, a lot of it goes back to the choice I shared in my last blog (you can read more here). In the midst of my own suffering, how I respond is an opportunity to glorify God and make His name known. I am just as susceptible to the difficulties as anyone else in this world and there are plenty of people who have faced far greater sufferings than I have, so why am I not asking, 'Why Not Me?' I know that by God's strength He will carry me through, and my prayer is that I would ultimately grow stronger and draw closer to God through each challenging circumstances.

I don't know what your current challenging situation may be, but maybe it's time to stop asking the 'Why Me' questions, and start asking God how He wants to use you to glorify His name in your current situation?

"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." - 1 Peter 5:7

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I would appreciate your continued support and prayers as this journey is not over, and the road to recovery continues. For those of you who had previous heard about me, and have been praying for me, supporting me and loving me both from near and a far: to folks in America (from East Coast to West Coast and everywhere in between), to Africa, Asia & Europe – THANK YOU! 

Faced With a Choice

For many, Wednesday, November 18, 2015 was just an ordinary day, but for me, it is a day that is forever etched in my mind. No one expects or plans for it to happen to them ... including me. While I sensed a bit of anxiety building up within as I sat in the waiting room that afternoon, I also felt an overwhelming sense of peace. Maybe it was the prayers of many who were lifting me up, or maybe it was simply God's presence upon me, knowing that He was right beside me in that moment and confirmation that He would be walking with me and carrying me through in the days, weeks, months and years to come. Not too much time later, the medical diagnosis from my neurologist came ... "Deanna, you have Multiple Sclerosis."

I'll spare you all the details, but throughout most of 2015, I felt like I was being tossed around from one doctor or specialist to another, and had more blood drawn and medical tests completed than I care to admit. Let me tell you that gets draining and rather discouraging after a while! After almost a year of being in the unknowns, having a diagnosis was truly an answered prayer. But even still, nobody wants to be told they have a chronic, unpredictable disease of the central nervous system. THAT'S HARD STUFF - at any age ... but I have so much of my life yet to live and dealing with MS was not part of my plan.

This diagnosis was NOT a surprise to God and it is NOT by accident that God hand-picked me to walk through this journey with Him. As I was walking to my car that afternoon while letting a few tears gently fall down my face, I realized I had a choice to make ... a daily choice.

HOW WOULD I RESPOND?

Option A: Would I stand firm in my faith and remain grounded in Christ truly believing that this MS diagnosis is all part of His perfect plan. Would I allow His name to be glorified and honored in the midst of it even on the hardest days?

OR.

Option B: Would I find myself focusing on the negatives, the limitations, or fears of the future and let sadness and depression take rule in my life?

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It's been almost two months since first being diagnosed and while I have daily strived to opt for Option A, it hasn't always been easy. Those days when the physical challenges creep in and want to take over, are hard, but yet even on those days I have a lot to be thankful for, because my God is STILL GREATER. God has NEVER failed me before, and I know without a doubt that no medical diagnosis will change that now. So instead of living in fear of the future or worrying about what is to come, I'm going to continue to strive to be thankful for this journey of MS and look for opportunities that allow me to glorify God’s name and make Him even more known as He continues to piece together my story too!

OBEDIENCE

I'm not one to make New Year Resolutions, but as 2015 came to a close and 2016 began, God has continued to bring a resounding theme to mind for the New Year: OBEDIENCE.

What does this mean you might ask? Well … I've been asking the same question lately. I believe God is calling me to greater heights of Biblical Obedience, which means to hear, trust, submit and surrender to God and obey His Word. YES – much easier typed out than daily lived out, but I’m certainly going to try! I am praying that in these next twelve months (and beyond), I will take action and heed the callings that God places on my life.

When He says GO, I will GO.

When He says SERVE, I will SERVE.

When He says GIVE, I will GIVE.

Even when He says WAIT, I will patiently WAIT because I trust in Him.

Do you get the picture? So why does this OBEDIENCE thing matter in my walk with God? 2015 was a hard year for me in many ways; however, God was faithful and provided a lot of grace, but I personally wasn't thriving, nor was I really growing much in my walk with Him; I was just trying to survive. I desire 2016 to be a year of increased faith and growth in my walk with Christ and I believe it has to involve a greater OBEDIENCE to Him and His Word. OBEDIENCE is important for several reasons.

• Shows Him our love. 1 John 5:2-3 - "We know we love God's children if we love God and obey his commandments. Loving God means keeping his commandments, and his commandments are not burdensome.”
• Demonstrates our faith to God. 1 John 2:3-6 - "And we can be sure that we know him if we obey his commandments. If someone claims, 'I know God,' but doesn't obey God's commandments, that person is a liar and is not living in the truth. But those who obey God's word truly show how completely they love him. That is how we know we are living in him. Those who say they live in God should live their lives as Jesus did."
• Provides opportunities for us to glorify His name in our world. 1 Peter 2:12 - "Be careful to live properly among your unbelieving neighbors. Then even if they accuse you of doing wrong, they will see your honorable behavior, and they will give honor to God when he judges the world.

With that being said, the start of this blog is simply an act of OBEDIENCE. I won't promise how often I'll write, or exactly what I'll be sharing, but I can promise you it will honest and real thoughts from my heart and lessons that I’m learning (or trying to learn) along in the journey.