Not Just a Detour ...

We’ve all seen the above road signs above, right? Of course we have … it’s inevitable in America today with all the (seemingly never ending) road construction projects around! Be honest with yourself for a second – whether it’d be on a commute you make daily or during your travels during a vacation – have you ever moaned under your breath after seeing a detour sign and realized later on that your attitude or outlook on the day changed, most often negatively?

I admit it … I have. Detours are those unexpected inconveniences that cause you to reroute, be late to your arrival destination or take you away from your direct path of travel, which often affect your emotions in a negative manner. We tend to look at detours as bad things – but I have news for you … Detours really can be a good thing! Sure they may cause you frustrations when you arrive late to work, or when you get rerouted just before turning into your local Starbucks to pick up your morning coffee. (Yes, I can hear it now … some of you think that missing your morning coffee is like the end of the world.) But really, – what if the detour was put in place to prevent you from driving into a giant sinkhole? I don’t know about you, but I’d be very thankful for that detour. The consequences of not obeying would certainly be much more costly and detrimental. Ultimately, roadway detours are put in place for our protection and we need to obey.

BUT ...

Detours don’t just happen on the roadway. They happen in our lives too!

What would happen if God provided us with detour signs before significant events in our lives? Would you promptly turn around only to repeat the past, approach the sign with fear and hesitation, or would you proceed with caution, knowing that no matter what lies ahead, you can walk in confidence and trust in God’s perfect plan?

Last year my physical health repeatedly took me down one detour after another leaving me feeling so lost on a road that was much less than desirable and one that I certainly did not anticipate nor was prepared for. There were weeks that I struggled to breathe and found myself relying on oxygen tanks to fill my lungs with air. Some weeks I passed out more times than I can count. Still other weeks I was left feeling completely helpless as I watched my body’s ability to function deteriorate before my very eyes.

Yet, week after week I kept digging deep to find a tiny ray of hope that life would soon turn away from the detours and merge back onto the “normal” road traveled. I kept journeying forward thinking if I could just hang on a little longer, then just around the bend ahead I’d experience a change, some improvement, or better yet a completely miracle. As I ended the year 2016, it was certainly not one I ever wished to repeat, but it also struck me, that while the diagnoses’ have been received, and treatment has begun, this less traveled road may never end. What I thought as being one detour after another may not actually be a detour at all, but rather the path that God had planned for me all along.

I was caught off-guard and surprised, but God wasn’t.

I kept feeling like I was being taken further and further off-course feeling lost and alone, but God knew clearly the road ahead and never once left my side.

I often felt like I couldn’t take one more step forward, but God then picked me up and carried me ahead.

Acknowledging and accepting this new road that I’m walking has been my challenge of 2017 thus far. This new road is less traveled, bumpy and twisty by times, with each day bringing a level of uncertainty and variability. BUT, I can honestly say that I’m THANKFUL for this new road. While it may never bring the complete healing and restoration to my physical body that I once desired, it has allowed me to experience a closeness with Jesus that I don’t think I would have received any other way. I often find myself reflecting back over the most challenging months of last year, and have been continuously in awe of how God’s hand was at work and how He never once abandoned me.

God does not waste our suffering, nor does He waste our trials in life. Living with a chronic illness is difficult, but I can confidently say that I’m thankful for this new road God has me on. I have experienced many blessings along the way, and can say with confidence that I look forward to seeing how God is going to continue working in my life on this new road – both in the times He’s teaching me the hard lessons, but also in the unexpected blessings that come.  

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” 

-Lamentations 3:22-23

Heart of Gratitude

By the time Thanksgiving approaches each year, it becomes pretty common for people to begin reflecting about the year and consider all the many ways they have been blessed. For many this season tends to continue through the end of the year. It’s a time when we give an extra dose of gratitude to God – for our families, our homes, our employment, our health and our freedom. It is a season to count our blessings and hold those we love close to our hearts.

There is a lot to be said about having a heart full of gratitude. It’s important to take time to thank God for all the good in our life – but what constitutes as good? I’ve been reminded this year numerous times just how much power lies in our perspective and how we view our circumstances.

What if giving thanks means more than just counting our blessings?

What if being thankful means surrendering our struggles, too?

As much as I want to reflect upon this past year, and be thankful for all the good – if I’m honest, it has been one of the hardest years of my life. Two thousand and sixteen has come with a lot of trials, a lot of tears, a lot of asking why, and a lot of physical pain for me, but as I look back on the year, some of my greatest joys have been rooted from moments of deep suffering.

I know that I’m not alone in my struggles. Men and women all around the world have struggled this past year – illness, loneliness, addictions, divorce, depression, injustice and death – leaving many with broken hearts, confused minds and hurting bodies.

Life can be so hard. And at times it can feel as though God is far away. I’ve been challenged this year in the midst of some trying situations to redefine how I view thankfulness. I’ve been challenged to be more than just thankful. I’ve been challenged with something even more difficult … to TRUST.

I believe that in times of suffering, a heart full of gratitude means more than just telling God that we are thankful – but rather it means being able to believe that God is who He says He is. Believing that He is love, He never changes, He never fails, His timing is perfect, He keeps His promises, and He is working all things out for what is good according to His pleasing and perfect will.

As this year is coming to a close, I’m reminded of God’s everlasting faithfulness in my life. Never once have my situations and experiences this year been a surprise to God ... He knew way in advance! Through all the challenges this year, God has never once left my side. His hand has been at work in mighty ways – opening doors that seemed impossible, surrounding me with gifted and knowledgeable medical professional to help with my care and treatment, and showing me just how much I am loved and cared for by Him. 

As the new year approaches, I certainly hope that it will look much different than 2016 did for me – no ambulance rides, no hospital stays, no oxygen tanks, or wheelchairs, etc. …. that would all be great! BUT most importantly my prayer for 2017 is that I would be challenged to fully TRUST God more, BELIEVE Him better and KNOW Him deeper.

Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.” – 1 Thessalonians 5:18

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Whatever it may be that is weighing heavy on your heart and burdening your mind, be reminded that even though you may not understand, and your situations may simply not make sense to you right now … Know (and Believe) that there is a loving God that does understand and is not surprised. He is walking by your side every step of the way. He has never left you, and will never leave you. 

Living Triumphantly in Sickness

I believe in a God who SAVES. Who brings HOPE.  Who HEALS. Who REDEEMS.

I believe in a God who, through Himself, ultimately gives us VICTORY and TRIUMPH in the midst of the battles that come our way.

However, that doesn't mean that it won't be a fight. The enemy has a much different agenda for us in the battle ... he wants us to curl up and give in to defeat. Acknowledge our weakness. Become a victim of the lies that fill our minds. The enemy wants us to succumb to the negative thoughts of never.

Never regaining my life back.

Never finding relief from constant pain.

Never good enough.

Never being able to run again.

Never ... (Get my drift?)

Summer 2016 has been a FIGHT. The thoughts of "never" have found their way into the swarms of thoughts racing through my mind more times than I'd like to admit. Illness has taken its toll on my quality of life and the whispers of defeat from the enemy have been overwhelming by times.

I've DOUBTED.

I've asked "WHY?"

I've had moments of giving into DEFEAT.

The whispers of defeat and overwhelming-ness of the raging battle have at times left me on my knees with tear-filled eyes. HOWEVER, it has been in these moments of defeat written all over my heart, when I've had to surrender, admit my desperate need for God and look to Him to be my defense.

"I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? 

My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth."

-Psalm 121:1-2

It has been in these moments that I've had to embrace this season of life, knowing that God has not once been surprised by it, and focus on the good moments.

It is in these moments that God asks me to have greater faith and teaches me to trust Him more. He has asked me to believe in His promises and not give up hope.

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose."

-Romans 8:28

It has been in these moments that I've had to thwart lies from the enemy, fill my mind with the Truths in God's Word and give myself grace.

It has been in these moments that I've had to believe that God is bigger than any of my diagnoses'.

It has been in these moments that God has held me in His arms, filled me with His presence, and allowed me to experience His overwhelming love that He lavishes upon me.

"So that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith - that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know  the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that  you may be filled with the fullness of God."

-Ephesians 3:17-19

The battle continues, but I refuse to stay stuck in defeat. I don't know what lies ahead of me, but I know who holds my future and one thing I'm sure of is that I can place my full TRUST in GOD and He will never leave me to fight alone.

"It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; 

He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed."

-Deuteronomy 31:8

We're told to "count it all joy, when we face trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness ..." (James 1:2-4), so instead of allowing my discouraging physical ailments and circumstances lead me down a road of defeat, I'm consciously choosing to live triumphantly with God by my side. 

Extravagant Love

To be quite vulnerable … the past six weeks have been exceptionally difficult, not just physically but also emotionally. Since my last blog I’ve had to powerlessly watch my body decline even more and lose the ability to do things that I once could do with ease. Days of actively doing everything my doctors have ordered and still seeing no signs of improvements have left me frustrated and it’s been hard not to become discouraged. Navigating the healthcare system through unexpected situations to obtain necessary approvals, authorizations and doctor referrals to receive treatment and care has been nothing but stressful and overwhelming.

For a while I tried hard day after day to be strong, push through and remain HOPEFUL that things truly would turn a corner and get better. However this was draining and I reached a breaking point. I never felt so HELPLESS. Emotions came full force. My heart was torn between wanting to give up, yet knowing I needed (and deep, deep down wanted) to keep fighting because God still has a plan and purpose for my life.

Will I keep trusting Him, and believing His promises?

How could a God of love allow such pain in life?

If this is how God chooses to love me, do I really want to keep trusting Him?

I will never fully understand God’s unconditional love for me, but even in the midst of the difficulties, I choose to keep trusting Him. In doing so, He has revealed Himself to me in magnificent ways. Even in the midst of pain. Even when I have my doubts and wonder why.

You see … Jesus himself understood pain. Not only did He show compassion in the midst of every human affliction that He encountered, but He himself chose to endure incredible suffering for our sake by dying on the cross.  It is through Jesus and His actions, that God’s love for us is revealed (John 17:26; 1 John 4-9-10).

We live in a broken world and the pain that is experienced is a result of sin. While God has allowed suffering in this world, we can be reminded of 1 John 4:8 that says, “Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.” Love is a fundamental nature of who God is. As a child of God, I am loved with an everlasting love (Jeremiah 31:3). God’s love for me is extravagant and He has extended His grace toward me in giving me way more than I could ever deserve.

God has revealed His love for me in tangible ways these past few weeks, and for that I am incredibly grateful. I have been overwhelmed by emotions at times as I reflect on how He has brought people into my life to help remind me and provide glimpses of His unstoppable love for me. God has wrapped His loving arms around me, and been holding me close.

God’s love is extravagant. While life has been trying for me much of this year, the ways that Father has shown up and been working, has left me in awe, time and time again. One of those ways, is how in the midst of roadblocks and unforeseen circumstances, God continued to opened doors and after weeks of painful waiting, I received approval to start weekly IVIG treatments this past week! This has been a huge answer to prayer.

Today, as I’m in the middle of my first IVIG treatment, could I ask you to pray with me that these infusion treatments would not cause adverse effects, but instead help to provide improvements to my physical body so that I can slowly regain my life back?

I trust that even as God as helped to quiet my hurting heart by remaining near and allowing me to tangibly experience His love and presence in my life, that He would do the same for you too.

Holding Onto Hope

HOPE. More than just a word; More than just a feeling that what is wanted can be had, or that things will turn out for the best. HOPE is a state of being … a firm belief that even if you don’t know how, even if you don’t know when, God will come through and better days are ahead. This is what I’ve been holding onto these last several weeks in the midst of what has been filled with a whirlwind of emotions and lots of change.

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Just over two weeks ago, I endured the longest, most overwhelming (but informative) doctor appointment I have ever experienced in my life at UC Health in Denver. You may recall in my last blog, I was asking for prayers, for God to specifically open the door to get an earlier appointment. Well, short of a miracle, He opened the door not only to get a sooner appointment, but also with a different specialist than originally planned – but this was exactly what was needed (little did I know it at the time).

Within minutes of the specialists entering the room, I was told I had been misdiagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. WAIT, WHAT? You mean to tell me that the past seven months of treating MS were wasted and I had been treating the wrong disease? If that was the case, then what was going on within my body? What is the cause of all these abnormal symptoms that are only continuing to get worse? The questions, doubts and thoughts began racing through my mind immediately.

Fast forward a bit, and after multiple hours of devoted time with the specialist, additional testing completed and more lab work, I walked away from my appointment with three new diagnoses: Dysautonomia: a dysfunction of the autonomic nervous system, which controls the “automatic” functions of the body that we do not consciously think about such as HR, blood pressure, digestion, etc – all of which I’ve had severe issues with. Antiphospholipid Syndrome: an autoimmune blood clotting disorder, also known as “sticky blood” and can cause clotting of the arteries, veins, neurological manifestations (like headaches, balance issues, MS like symptoms and neuropathy). Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS): Issue causing lightheadedness, chest pains, fainting, tachycardia, shortness of breath, GI issues, and exercise intolerance.

So, now what?

I started on some new medications the last couple weeks, but unfortunately reacted negatively which caused adverse effects, so while we’ve been trying to treat one thing, additional issues arose, and caused additional problems. I unfortunately have been walking what seems like a backwards path, as one step forwards leads to three steps backwards with how much my symptoms have been increasing over the past couple weeks. We just got test results back from a skin biopsy, so as of this past week, the doctor in Denver has started the process with insurance to get approval to begin IVIG treatments. This seems to be my only HOPE at this point to regain my life back, assuming these treatments work for me. However, gaining insurance approval for this very expensive treatment option is a lengthy process and my doctor may have to fight hard on my behalf. Will you join me in praying for another miracle and quick insurance approval?

As if I don’t already have enough to process, I’ve also made the decision recently to permanently move out of my residence and in with a loving Colorado family so that I can be looked after and cared for in the midst of my declining health to walk this journey with me. While I’ve already been  living with this family the past two months, it’s seems a little more real now that all my belongings are in my surroundings as well, and I officially turned in my condo key just the other day.  This has been a huge decision for me because if you know me well enough you know how independent of a person I am, but I’ve had to admit, that I simply can’t do it on my own.

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You see, many times in this world or in the midst of our circumstances we may be told that “HOPE is dead” and “God is Gone” for “There’s nothing we can really do.” On those days … on the hardest of days in the midst of our circumstances, we have to remember to stay committed to HOPE no matter what happens.

Even when we can't see it.
Even when we can't feel it.

Committing to HOPE doesn’t mean believing that one day we’ll get what we want. Committing to true HOPE is believing in the unchanging truths. The truths that say: GOD remains FAITHFUL.  GOD has a PLAN. GOD holds my FUTURE. This JOURNEY is not an ACCIDENT. I’m LOVED by GOD.

In the midst of the continuing emotions and the whirlwind of a journey that it's been for me, I'm choosing to hold onto the HOPE that I have in Christ alone.

"Let us hold tightly without  wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise." -Hebrews 10:23

"Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying."
-Romans 12:12

In the Midst of Waiting ...

The Lord Our God

Promise maker, promise keeper

You finish what You begin

Our provision through the desert

You see it through ‘til the end

You see it through ‘til the end

The Lord our God is ever faithful

Never changing through the ages

From this darkness

You will lead us

And forever we will say

You’re the Lord our God

In the silence, in the waiting

Still we can know You are good

All Your plans are for Your glory

Yes, we can know You are good

Yes, we can know You are good

We won’t move without You

We won’t move without You

You’re the light of all

And all that we need

DREAMS appear shattered. HOPE is being held on by only a thread and some days appears missing completely. PLANS thwarted. QUESTIONS unanswered (and lots of them). ROADBLOCKS in place. HEARTACHE. TEARS. The past month has been anything but glamorous for me, as I've continued walking through a painful health journey in life that God hand-picked just for me. Why? I don't know and honestly may never truly understand it all. However, I do know that through it all - He is NEVER changing and still remains faithful.

In the midst of the constant pain that I'm faced with daily and having my activities decided by my health day-to-day, my Heavenly Father ultimately decides my future. I can rest assured that these plans, though far from anything I would have picked for myself, are somehow meant for His glory. Additionally, just as the lyrics in the above song reads, even in the midst of the waiting, that still I can know my God is good.

"I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in His word I hope." -Psalm 130:5

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The complexity of my current health situation continues to increase and unfortunately there is no simple explanation, or solution. Antibodies are attacking multiple systems in my body - causing neurological, cardiovascular and gastrointestinal issues. We are trying to "band-aid" symptoms without having much success in treating anything right now. I've been referred to the University of Health in Denver, CO, but we are currently trying to get an earlier appointment, as my current appointment is a couple months out.

Would you joing me in praying for Father to make a way to get an appointment within  the month of June at the latest (earlier the better!), so that we can get the answers I so hope for in hopes of also getting the treatment  needed to start bringing my body back to health, instead of continually seeing it slowly decline?

Would you also join me in praying for protection of my heart and the roller coaster of emotions that I've been riding? It's been a tough road, and I know the journey seems far from over yet, as the end is not yet in sight. I know that Father is carrying me through, but I also need the body of people (like you) around me to continually be supporting and encouraging me along the way as well.

It Is Well With My Soul

It Is Well

Grander earth has quaked before

Moved by the sound of His voice

Seas that are shaken and stirred

Can be calmed and broken for my regard

Through it all, through it all

My eyes are on You

Through it all, through it all

It is well

Through it all, through it all

My eyes are on You

It is well with me

Far be it from me to not believe

Even when my eyes can’t see

And this mountain that’s in front of me

Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

So let go my soul and trust in Him

The waves and wind still know His name

It is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

It is 4:00 a.m. – I should be sleeping, but the past five hours of trying to sleep have been filled with so many overwhelming emotions instead and the tears have just kept coming. Yet in the midst of the very REAL struggle that this past week and a half has brought with the latest setbacks in regards to my physical health, these lyrics from the song It Is Well continue to play through my mind on repeat in the background. It is the truth found in these lyrics that have been the only thing I’ve been able to cling to this past week in the midst of a week filled with physical ailments, pain, doctor appointments, questions, fear, doubts, unknowns, anxiety and so many overwhelming thoughts and experiences that no 27 year-old should have to walk through. This week hasn’t brought the definitive answers I was hoping for just yet, but I’m thankful for the medical team of specialists that are now working with me to wrap their minds around everything going on inside my body. However, I’m even more thankful, that through it all, my eyes remain on Christ. He is my ultimate Healer. My Provider. My Creator. He knows every intricate detail about what is misfiring and not functioning properly from within my body and I’m choosing to trust and believe that He does have a purpose in all of this – even in the midst of how difficult this journey is on a daily basis.

My current situation is SO REAL, but yet my heart breaks for so many others at the same time knowing that too, so many others are going through very difficult situations as well. Maybe you find yourself in a difficult season right now - health, relationship, financial … the list continues; may I share a few words with you that God’s place on my heart?

You see … Life is NOT without pain. However, the beauty found within the pain is NOT without a purpose even when we ourselves are unable to make sense of life’s circumstances or situations. Even if we cannot see or understand what in the world our God is doing in this world or in our own lives, it is then, that we need to sit back and remind ourselves (just as the song lyrics say) … to let go and trust in Him that even the winds and the waves know His name. God sees our brokenness. God sees our hearts. God see our hurts. God understands.

I have no idea what kind of season you are walking through right now. It could be one filled with joy! It could be filled with pain. It could be full of unknowns. Maybe it’s filled with laughter or full of tears. I don’t know, but I do know that the God of the Universe knows and one thing is for certain … Your life is still full of purpose.

Will you daily choose to keep your eyes on Christ through it all and trust Him? I’m not saying it’s going to be easy (as I can attest to the fact that it’s not!), but I can say it will be worth it!

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"I look up to the mountains—does my help come from there? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth! He will not let you stumble; the one who watches over you will not slumber. Indeed, he who watches over Israel never slumbers or sleeps. The Lord himself watches over you! The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade. The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon at night. The Lord keeps you from all harm and watches over your life. The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go, both now and forever.” –Psalm 121