In the Midst of Waiting ...

The Lord Our God

Promise maker, promise keeper

You finish what You begin

Our provision through the desert

You see it through ‘til the end

You see it through ‘til the end

The Lord our God is ever faithful

Never changing through the ages

From this darkness

You will lead us

And forever we will say

You’re the Lord our God

In the silence, in the waiting

Still we can know You are good

All Your plans are for Your glory

Yes, we can know You are good

Yes, we can know You are good

We won’t move without You

We won’t move without You

You’re the light of all

And all that we need

DREAMS appear shattered. HOPE is being held on by only a thread and some days appears missing completely. PLANS thwarted. QUESTIONS unanswered (and lots of them). ROADBLOCKS in place. HEARTACHE. TEARS. The past month has been anything but glamorous for me, as I've continued walking through a painful health journey in life that God hand-picked just for me. Why? I don't know and honestly may never truly understand it all. However, I do know that through it all - He is NEVER changing and still remains faithful.

In the midst of the constant pain that I'm faced with daily and having my activities decided by my health day-to-day, my Heavenly Father ultimately decides my future. I can rest assured that these plans, though far from anything I would have picked for myself, are somehow meant for His glory. Additionally, just as the lyrics in the above song reads, even in the midst of the waiting, that still I can know my God is good.

"I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in His word I hope." -Psalm 130:5

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The complexity of my current health situation continues to increase and unfortunately there is no simple explanation, or solution. Antibodies are attacking multiple systems in my body - causing neurological, cardiovascular and gastrointestinal issues. We are trying to "band-aid" symptoms without having much success in treating anything right now. I've been referred to the University of Health in Denver, CO, but we are currently trying to get an earlier appointment, as my current appointment is a couple months out.

Would you joing me in praying for Father to make a way to get an appointment within  the month of June at the latest (earlier the better!), so that we can get the answers I so hope for in hopes of also getting the treatment  needed to start bringing my body back to health, instead of continually seeing it slowly decline?

Would you also join me in praying for protection of my heart and the roller coaster of emotions that I've been riding? It's been a tough road, and I know the journey seems far from over yet, as the end is not yet in sight. I know that Father is carrying me through, but I also need the body of people (like you) around me to continually be supporting and encouraging me along the way as well.

It Is Well With My Soul

It Is Well

Grander earth has quaked before

Moved by the sound of His voice

Seas that are shaken and stirred

Can be calmed and broken for my regard

Through it all, through it all

My eyes are on You

Through it all, through it all

It is well

Through it all, through it all

My eyes are on You

It is well with me

Far be it from me to not believe

Even when my eyes can’t see

And this mountain that’s in front of me

Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

So let go my soul and trust in Him

The waves and wind still know His name

It is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

It is 4:00 a.m. – I should be sleeping, but the past five hours of trying to sleep have been filled with so many overwhelming emotions instead and the tears have just kept coming. Yet in the midst of the very REAL struggle that this past week and a half has brought with the latest setbacks in regards to my physical health, these lyrics from the song It Is Well continue to play through my mind on repeat in the background. It is the truth found in these lyrics that have been the only thing I’ve been able to cling to this past week in the midst of a week filled with physical ailments, pain, doctor appointments, questions, fear, doubts, unknowns, anxiety and so many overwhelming thoughts and experiences that no 27 year-old should have to walk through. This week hasn’t brought the definitive answers I was hoping for just yet, but I’m thankful for the medical team of specialists that are now working with me to wrap their minds around everything going on inside my body. However, I’m even more thankful, that through it all, my eyes remain on Christ. He is my ultimate Healer. My Provider. My Creator. He knows every intricate detail about what is misfiring and not functioning properly from within my body and I’m choosing to trust and believe that He does have a purpose in all of this – even in the midst of how difficult this journey is on a daily basis.

My current situation is SO REAL, but yet my heart breaks for so many others at the same time knowing that too, so many others are going through very difficult situations as well. Maybe you find yourself in a difficult season right now - health, relationship, financial … the list continues; may I share a few words with you that God’s place on my heart?

You see … Life is NOT without pain. However, the beauty found within the pain is NOT without a purpose even when we ourselves are unable to make sense of life’s circumstances or situations. Even if we cannot see or understand what in the world our God is doing in this world or in our own lives, it is then, that we need to sit back and remind ourselves (just as the song lyrics say) … to let go and trust in Him that even the winds and the waves know His name. God sees our brokenness. God sees our hearts. God see our hurts. God understands.

I have no idea what kind of season you are walking through right now. It could be one filled with joy! It could be filled with pain. It could be full of unknowns. Maybe it’s filled with laughter or full of tears. I don’t know, but I do know that the God of the Universe knows and one thing is for certain … Your life is still full of purpose.

Will you daily choose to keep your eyes on Christ through it all and trust Him? I’m not saying it’s going to be easy (as I can attest to the fact that it’s not!), but I can say it will be worth it!

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"I look up to the mountains—does my help come from there? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth! He will not let you stumble; the one who watches over you will not slumber. Indeed, he who watches over Israel never slumbers or sleeps. The Lord himself watches over you! The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade. The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon at night. The Lord keeps you from all harm and watches over your life. The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go, both now and forever.” –Psalm 121

Joy in Suffering

Two weeks ago it was pretty easy for me to choose joy! I was a living miracle of the incredible work of God. (In case you missed it, you can read about the miracle that God performed in my life here.)

As I lay on the couch at a friend’s house yesterday afternoon (where I’ve spent most of the past week), could I still find the same joy that I had two weeks ago? Can I still praise God for the trials and the pain that this week has brought? You see, I didn’t see it coming, nor did I expect it … we typically don’t - SETBACKS. I had no desire to end up back in the emergency room twice this past week, or to be dealing with the most severe chest pains that I’ve ever had in my life for days on end. What about breathing? One doesn’t think about it, until you can’t do so normally, then WHOA … it sure catches you off guard. While I’ll spare all the details here on my blog for now, I would really appreciate and covet your prayers as there are crucial follow-up appointments needing to happen this coming week with specialists in hopes of getting some much needed answers.

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If I’m honest, it’s been a hard week not to find myself feeling discouraged. However, yesterday afternoon as I was resting and thinking … I still have so much to be thankful for. So, can I still choose joy in the midst of setbacks? YES. I. CAN. It may be a daily choice … and sometimes even a moment by moment choice, but it is possible!

Joy is not the same thing as happiness. You see, happiness is something that comes and goes simply based on our good circumstances in life. It’s not something we can cling to during the trials of life – whether that would be through health challenges (like I find myself dealing with), the loss of a loved one, or relationship issues that cause great emotional and mental struggles. JOY on the other hand is different. Joy is something that you can find and even cling to even in the midst of trials … why? True joy is not based on good circumstances in life, but rather it comes from God. God’s joy is always present, and He is ready to give it, but are you ready to accept it?

As believers, this joy that we have in God will never be taken away from us. There may be days when the trials seem way to overwhelming, and the joy seems missing, but let me remind you (just as I remind myself), of the promise God has for us in John 15:11 which says, “I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow.” We are promised the joy that God has for us on a daily basis, but are you going to make the daily choice and accept it … even on the days when the sufferings in life seem way too overwhelming?

You see, for me personally, even in the midst of this week’s latest trials there is still much joy to be found, because my God has not left my side! He is still walking this journey right beside me every step of the way. This week was not a surprise to Him, but all part of His perfect plan for my life. WHY? I don’t know, but what I do know is that my God is bigger than any of my trials that I will face here on this earth. This latest trial has yet again been a test to my faith, but also continues to be an opportunity for me to grow in my endurance, and build up my faith, confident that in the end I will come out stronger yet again – defeating the enemy and seeing all the glory go to God our Father!

Today, no matter what kind of trial you may be facing, maybe it’s time that instead of wallowing or focusing on your suffering, you need to stop and make a choice to accept the free gift of joy that God so graciously offers. Are you going to take the step forward, and accept today?

“Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.” –James 1:2-4