Why Me, God?

Why me, God? Can I get a break from all the medical struggles? Why now, God? Your Word says your timing is perfect, but I'm having a really hard time believing. God, are you listening anymore? How can good come from this storm? What is your purpose in all of this? Really God … just, why?

These have been just a few of my questions and doubts over the past week and a half in the midst of the storms of life that have caused me to be shaken to my core. No one prepares for the unexpected medical emergencies to take place like I experienced. Never did I think when I went to the doctor last Thursday, that it would result in hearing "we need to send you to the ER immediately" from my doctor, or the several day hospital visit that followed. Never did I expect to hear, "You have a bi-lateral pulmonary embolism (ie: multiple blood clots in your lungs)." Nor has it been very comforting in the days that followed just to hear how "life-threatening" my condition has been and it certainly hasn't been easy to except the fact that I'm only twenty-seven and currently needing oxygen to breath and maintain adequate O2 levels.

The physical struggles have been HARD. SCARY. and REAL. The road to recovery is ongoing, but amidst the physical, came a very difficult emotional journey too with lots of doubts and questions. However, as I look back over the past week and a half two things specifically come to mind: I am thankful for LIFE and a God who is still in the business of ANSWERING PRAYERS!

Friends, let me tell you this ...

God is still on His throne and working in MIGHTY ways. He is STRONGER. He is GREATER. He is my PROTECTOR. He is the GIVER of LIFE. He is NOT DEFEATED. He is my HEALER.

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I've had my share of asking God the 'Why Me' questions this week but as I look back and recall the times that I finally let go and relinquished full control over to Him – it's wasn't just a burden lifted, but was also incredible to look back and see how God has tangibly been answering prayers, providing for me and meeting my needs one at a time.

It took several days, but even in the midst of the why's, I realized I needed to change my perspective. I wasn't God’s victim, I was a victor. This latest medical challenge wasn't a punishment from God, and was in no way an indicator that God's love for me had changed or that He has abandoned me. God has never promised that we wouldn't have sufferings in this world, in fact He tells us just the opposite that "…Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows..." (John 16:33). However, a lot of it goes back to the choice I shared in my last blog (you can read more here). In the midst of my own suffering, how I respond is an opportunity to glorify God and make His name known. I am just as susceptible to the difficulties as anyone else in this world and there are plenty of people who have faced far greater sufferings than I have, so why am I not asking, 'Why Not Me?' I know that by God's strength He will carry me through, and my prayer is that I would ultimately grow stronger and draw closer to God through each challenging circumstances.

I don't know what your current challenging situation may be, but maybe it's time to stop asking the 'Why Me' questions, and start asking God how He wants to use you to glorify His name in your current situation?

"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." - 1 Peter 5:7

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I would appreciate your continued support and prayers as this journey is not over, and the road to recovery continues. For those of you who had previous heard about me, and have been praying for me, supporting me and loving me both from near and a far: to folks in America (from East Coast to West Coast and everywhere in between), to Africa, Asia & Europe – THANK YOU! 

Faced With a Choice

For many, Wednesday, November 18, 2015 was just an ordinary day, but for me, it is a day that is forever etched in my mind. No one expects or plans for it to happen to them ... including me. While I sensed a bit of anxiety building up within as I sat in the waiting room that afternoon, I also felt an overwhelming sense of peace. Maybe it was the prayers of many who were lifting me up, or maybe it was simply God's presence upon me, knowing that He was right beside me in that moment and confirmation that He would be walking with me and carrying me through in the days, weeks, months and years to come. Not too much time later, the medical diagnosis from my neurologist came ... "Deanna, you have Multiple Sclerosis."

I'll spare you all the details, but throughout most of 2015, I felt like I was being tossed around from one doctor or specialist to another, and had more blood drawn and medical tests completed than I care to admit. Let me tell you that gets draining and rather discouraging after a while! After almost a year of being in the unknowns, having a diagnosis was truly an answered prayer. But even still, nobody wants to be told they have a chronic, unpredictable disease of the central nervous system. THAT'S HARD STUFF - at any age ... but I have so much of my life yet to live and dealing with MS was not part of my plan.

This diagnosis was NOT a surprise to God and it is NOT by accident that God hand-picked me to walk through this journey with Him. As I was walking to my car that afternoon while letting a few tears gently fall down my face, I realized I had a choice to make ... a daily choice.

HOW WOULD I RESPOND?

Option A: Would I stand firm in my faith and remain grounded in Christ truly believing that this MS diagnosis is all part of His perfect plan. Would I allow His name to be glorified and honored in the midst of it even on the hardest days?

OR.

Option B: Would I find myself focusing on the negatives, the limitations, or fears of the future and let sadness and depression take rule in my life?

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It's been almost two months since first being diagnosed and while I have daily strived to opt for Option A, it hasn't always been easy. Those days when the physical challenges creep in and want to take over, are hard, but yet even on those days I have a lot to be thankful for, because my God is STILL GREATER. God has NEVER failed me before, and I know without a doubt that no medical diagnosis will change that now. So instead of living in fear of the future or worrying about what is to come, I'm going to continue to strive to be thankful for this journey of MS and look for opportunities that allow me to glorify God’s name and make Him even more known as He continues to piece together my story too!

OBEDIENCE

I'm not one to make New Year Resolutions, but as 2015 came to a close and 2016 began, God has continued to bring a resounding theme to mind for the New Year: OBEDIENCE.

What does this mean you might ask? Well … I've been asking the same question lately. I believe God is calling me to greater heights of Biblical Obedience, which means to hear, trust, submit and surrender to God and obey His Word. YES – much easier typed out than daily lived out, but I’m certainly going to try! I am praying that in these next twelve months (and beyond), I will take action and heed the callings that God places on my life.

When He says GO, I will GO.

When He says SERVE, I will SERVE.

When He says GIVE, I will GIVE.

Even when He says WAIT, I will patiently WAIT because I trust in Him.

Do you get the picture? So why does this OBEDIENCE thing matter in my walk with God? 2015 was a hard year for me in many ways; however, God was faithful and provided a lot of grace, but I personally wasn't thriving, nor was I really growing much in my walk with Him; I was just trying to survive. I desire 2016 to be a year of increased faith and growth in my walk with Christ and I believe it has to involve a greater OBEDIENCE to Him and His Word. OBEDIENCE is important for several reasons.

• Shows Him our love. 1 John 5:2-3 - "We know we love God's children if we love God and obey his commandments. Loving God means keeping his commandments, and his commandments are not burdensome.”
• Demonstrates our faith to God. 1 John 2:3-6 - "And we can be sure that we know him if we obey his commandments. If someone claims, 'I know God,' but doesn't obey God's commandments, that person is a liar and is not living in the truth. But those who obey God's word truly show how completely they love him. That is how we know we are living in him. Those who say they live in God should live their lives as Jesus did."
• Provides opportunities for us to glorify His name in our world. 1 Peter 2:12 - "Be careful to live properly among your unbelieving neighbors. Then even if they accuse you of doing wrong, they will see your honorable behavior, and they will give honor to God when he judges the world.

With that being said, the start of this blog is simply an act of OBEDIENCE. I won't promise how often I'll write, or exactly what I'll be sharing, but I can promise you it will honest and real thoughts from my heart and lessons that I’m learning (or trying to learn) along in the journey.